Zalina, caregiver story

Life went on, because it had to

We really didn’t know anything was wrong, but when I think about it now, my husband looked tired and ill. He’d gone in for some tests before we went on holiday because he was feeling very windy. They wanted him to come in again when we were back from holiday, so I had a sense that something might be wrong. He went on his own, and when he came back, he walked into the bedroom and told me they found cancer in his stomach, and it was stage IV. We both held each other and cried.

Practical mode

I kept thinking, 18 months and no cure. I’d think ahead to being alone and coping on my own. I knew I was capable of doing it, that I’d cope. I needed to go through the motions and get my life in order. I went into practical mode. I thought about the coffin, I remembered how my daughter and I would wave goodbye to him every morning when he went to work, and I pictured the two of us with him in a coffin and both of us waving goodbye for the last time.

My husband came to the UK alone when he was 16, and I came over on my own when I was 21. We met in London in the 1960s, when we were students. We’re both very independent, very determined people. We have a very healthy lifestyle and always exercise, so the cancer was a real shock. We’d always said to each other that because we’ve looked after ourselves, if we’re told we’re sick, we’ll accept it, because we’d tried.

But it was difficult to make sense of it. I was often numb, shocked, and I was always trying to make sense of why and trying to find a reason. He used to take vitamins without liquid; he would make juice in the morning, leave it on the counter and drink the leftovers in the evening. I wondered if it could have been that. He even wondered if it was the phone mast above his office. They’re silly thoughts, but we just wanted a reason for it.

Falling apart privately

Telling people really wasn’t so hard. We didn’t hide it – we just told them. Most people got very upset. A good friend of ours really went to pieces, visibly devastated. But I could talk about it. I can handle emergencies without falling apart. I don’t get flustered; I just deal with it. But I would fall apart privately, and my stomach would get so upset. I really couldn’t even say what thoughts or feelings I had at that point. One of the things that would upset me most was when he would get tearful about not seeing our granddaughter grow up, as she was only eight at the time.

Life went on because it had to. He was determined to carry on as usual. He went to work as usual, and then he would be wiped out. There was a back-and-forth with hope. I would be in the room for appointments and just feel numb and blank. It went on like this for months of chemo.

He was very easy to take care of. He was so determined to do anything that would help him feel better. I honestly don’t remember it being tough. He kept working, which helped his state of mind. He tried to keep things as normal as possible, which helped me to do the same. Luckily he slept well, ate well and his appetite returned once he started treatment. After his operation, it was harder to know what food he could manage, but he was very determined to get his appetite back.

Working with the situation as best you can

I have always walked several times a week with a few good friends. During this time, the exercise kept my head in gear, and I talked to them about what was happening and how I was feeling.

My husband asked the doctor how long he would need to be on chemo and what would come next.  The doctor said they would keep him comfortable for as long as possible and that if he saw this Christmas, he might see next Christmas. That was some hope to hold onto. My daughter stepped in and said that people like him could have an operation and handed the doctor the research she found from Japan. He had his stomach removed a few months later.

Cancer knows no bounds, and the effect stomach cancer has had on him is now just a part of daily life. Life goes on. I get upset with him when he forgets to eat properly during the day, because he has so much wind in the evenings, he can’t eat his dinner.

I think so much about our health comes down to what we eat while we’re still well. I think exercise is so important too. A healthy lifestyle will help you cope with it better. But with any illness, you have to be strong and positive. As a family member, it’s about working with the situation as best you can.